As we have already established, I am afraid of most things. And like most humans, change is one of those primary things. I've been thinking about momentum a lot lately. In rock climbing, momentum is key and, unless you maintain it, you won't be able to make the next move much of the time and consequently end up falling off the wall. I fear that I may have fallen off the wall, so to speak. See, I've realized over the past couple years that I am happiest when in motion. For whatever reason, if I don't have a plan of what show or job or class or what not lined up next in my life, I get stuck in a nothing rut real fast.
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| Life is a blur. |
After graduation, I had a break for a month but was content in the fact that I had a plan once the month was up (travel to Europe to visit my friend Carrie in grad school.) So my break had an expiration date even though it was a lot of time off. (Enough time to make an afghan, in fact.) Even so, it was hard to get the momentum going to again to start my travel frenzy (- two weeks traveling in Europe with less than 24 hours turn over to begin a week-long road trip to California then a month in Camarillo before coming home and starting Much Ado About Nothing rehearsals). I remember my fear of the unknown getting the best of me and having a mini freak-out during the week before leaving for London. Because as much as I knew it would be so much fun and a once-in-a-lifetime experience, I knew it would be hard, that I wouldn't get enough sleep at times, that I probably wouldn't get to shower everyday and that we had to be responsible to follow our strict time table to make the trains we needed otherwise we'd lose money and have a hard time getting to where we needed to be on our tight schedule and little money. Compounded on all of that there would be language barriers, four new cities with four new transportation systems to navigate as well as a whole unfamiliar inter-rail system to figure out. And with too much downtime to mull these things over, I was seriously considering canceling the Europe trip because it would have been easier than having to deal with all of these problems even though it was a paid for, once-in-a-lifetime trip and I'd be seeing beautiful places and people and spending time with one of my best friends.
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| Walking along the Berlin Wall. |
Of course, I ended up getting over myself and going because I didn't want to be an ungrateful lame-ass. But, I've come to the conclusion that for me, too much downtime can be a hindrance. I get too much in my own head, having too much time to think about everything that could go wrong. Anywho, after the Europe trip then the road trip then California and now the play, things are beginning to slow waaaaay down again and I'm finding myself getting to that point again. I know that I want to get a job so that I can make enough money to save up and move to New York. But I also want to be able to do shows at night, get enough sleep, have a social life, do volunteer work and have a job that I don't absolutely hate and that makes enough money that I don't have to worry. But I'm already worrying. I haven't even started yet and I'm worrying. It's crippling and I don't know how to stop. Which I why I'm thinking that Newton really did have it right - an object in motion will remain in motion unless acted upon by an outside force AND an object at rest will remain at rest unless acted upon by an outside force. I need to be my own outside force right now. Because otherwise I will remain at rest and watch my life pass me by. It would be so easy, but not at all fulfilling. If I had given into my worry and passed up the Europe trip, I would've missed out on the satisfaction of successfully navigating four new beautiful cities in countries where, although I didn't speak the language, I still found ways to communicate. I'd have missed the comfort that came afterward with the knowledge that if I return to any of these places, there would now be some element of familiarity there. I want to have that with a job. So I must maintain my momentum. Because I have found that there is happiness in motion.
Forever and ever et cetera,
Cara
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| Happiness in motion. |
Song of the Day:
The Wind -- Cat Stevens
Quotes of the Day:
"An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion stays in motion with the same speed and in the same direction unless acted upon by an unbalanced force." -- Newton's First Law of Motion
"You can't be too careful anymore, when all that is waiting for you won't come any closer - you've got to reach a little more"-- from
Careful by Paramore
